On Being the Non-Belly Mama
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The funny thing is people have a lot of questions about being the non gestational parent and about not being biologically related to your kid. I guess I find it funny because to me it is not even close to anything important regarding being a parent.
I mean 1/2 of every couple is a non gestational parent - and nobody asks them if they are ok with it. (and yes I'm being very heteronormative in this statement). But it is one of the most common topics around being a non-belly mama. So let me set a few things straight:
1) There is no question in my mind that I am Baby Girl's mother. SP and I planned and saved and worked to bring her here. I made almost all of the appointments and did a lot of the money related items. I went to EVERY single appointment. And after baby was born I took her to some of her appointments on my own.
2) It doesn't bother me when people say our daughter looks like SP. Why shouldn't she? I think my wife is beautiful (obviously!) why wouldn't I want my daughter to look like her? Does it get obnoxious when that is the ONLY thing people can point out - honestly yes. Because it's like what are you trying to prove? We know she's biologically related to SP. And just for the record, when I'm alone with Baby Girl, people swear up and down she looks like me. The mind is an amazing fake out artist.
3) I am not lacking. There is nothing SP can give her that I can't. I could have induced lactation if I wanted to (I chose not to) but even so, there are plenty of babies that are fed with formula and they are just fine. And I'm pretty sure that's the least important part of parenting - as long as they are healthy and fed, the rest of it is what matters. She doesn't ever need her "real" mother over me.
4) I am her REAL mother. Don't ever suggest or say anything otherwise. Because it is untrue. I am here. Day in and day out wiping butts and noses and doing laundry. I love her and teach her and feed her. I play with her and dress her and care for her. If that's not a real mother, I don't know what is. She takes up every space in my heart (except for a few small spaces reserved for SP and the rest of my family...and crazy Kori)
5) It actually doesn't bother me if you ask who carried her. How you react matters though. If you ask in a kind and interested way so that you can learn more - good for you. If you ask because you need to know who her "real" mother is - we're going to have words.
6) Yes, I am bonded to my daughter. I bonded with her possibly faster than my wife. I don't want to speak for my lovely wifey but when baby girl was born, SP was pretty roughed up. I on the other hand, while exhausted, was able to focus solely on our new little soul. And I had been talking to her and waiting for her and dreaming of her. I was there to cut the cord, and hold her hand while she got weighed, and cleaned and got shots. The moment I saw her, it was all over. My heart was outside my body forever.
7) Yes, I would like to be a belly mama one day. I want to have that experience myself. But here's the caveat - if for some reason, it doesn't work out and we can only have babies carried by SP or carried by another mama - I will STILL be a REAL mother. Because however my babies get to me, whatever paths they take, they are MY babies!
So there you go, that's my experience thus far being a mother. I'm sure my experience will adjust and change with time. But either way - this is my girl, my dream baby!
Merry Blogmas!
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